


Stacks of Poetry

by wildewings



Category: Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Explicit Language, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lucifer is a cat, Lucifer swears a little, M/M, Minor Belial/Lucilius, Reincarnation, Sandy swears a lot, Several POVs, but he's also dead, but mostly Sandalphon and Lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:54:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25536928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildewings/pseuds/wildewings
Summary: People, they are like words. Left by themselves they don't always make sense. Put together though, they can make the most beautiful poetry. That was Lucifer's theory, a hope Sandalphon wants to cling onto now that he's gone.Maybe the tiny kitten with the wide blue eyes that Lucio brings to his doorstep can help him move on.
Relationships: Belial & Lucifer (Granblue Fantasy), Lucifer & Lucilius (Granblue Fantasy), Lucifer & Lucio (Granblue Fantasy), Lucifer & Sandalphon (Granblue Fantasy), Lucifer/Sandalphon (Granblue Fantasy), Lucio & Sandalphon (Granblue Fantasy)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	1. Prologue

His first thought when he opened his eyes was, _has the world always looked so wide ?_ All of a sudden buildings were taller; treetops grazed the skyline of this city he knew all too well. His second thought was for the noise; he could hear with painful clarity all sorts of sounds like feet tapping on the ground, birds singing among rustling leaves, snipets of conversations from far away, tires howling against the tarmac. And what to say of the smells, what to say of the stench of trash surrounding him ? His nose wrinkled all of its own, his whiskers brushing against his paws.  
 _Whiskers ?_  
 _Paws ?_


	2. Part One: Fleurs du Mal.

He still wasn’t used to coming home to an empty apartment. Every one of his friends had told him to take his time, to let the passing of the days heal his wounds. All he could think about instead was the passing of Lucifer. “We met in highschool”, he’d repeat almost every day now. “We’d been together six years.” That was about when people started looking sorry. Yet Sandalphon could never ignore the glint of misplaced curiosity in their eyes. He put on a face he wished was brave but perhaps only looked painful, and said, “it was a car accident.” He never told them more than they needed to know. This memory was a cross that was his to bear. This, and every other. His keys rattled against the wall when he hung them to the crooked nail next to the door. During their first days in their new flat, Lucifer and Sandalphon had discovered the nail to be a menace. They had more than once cut their hands or torn shirt sleeves because of it. Then one day, Lucifer had had enough. He had taken silk ribbons off some chocolates’ packaging, and had rolled them up around the nail. Since then, it had served as a hook for their keys, since both of them had the slight and yet bothersome tendency of misplacing them.

As per usual ever since then, the lights were off. They flickered when he switched them on, knowing full well he would not see Lucifer sitting on the couch, waiting for him like he always did. He hoped he would, for a split second. He would always turn around, a mug full of hot coffee in hand, the softest smile in the world dancing across his lips. Sandalphon kicked his shoes off, letting the heels clack on the floor when they fell. He would just look at him, his blue eyes an invitation to come and join him. Walking over to the couch, reaching out to a dream, he let this warmth he loved so much spread in his chest once more, begging for it to stay - but then there was nothing, nothing, no one, not even a ghost, not even a feeling. So his heart grew cold, and his heart became a white marble grave. His love sank to the earth, stuffed inside a mahogany casket as he tried to ignore the deafening noise of a tombstone breaking open inside of him.

* * *

Find him, find him, find him. He had to find him. Was he okay ? Was he worried ? Did he wonder where he was ? Of course he did, he always did. He always worried so much. And what could Lucifer do but run to his side to comfort him ? He could figure out the mystery of his thick fur and pointy ears later. He came first. Sandalphon always came first. So even though his legs were now rather short, and even though he wasn’t quite used to having four of them yet, he ran. Happy children giggled at the sight of this little white cat bolting through the alley while parents held them back, telling them not to approach it. Who knew what illnesses it carried ? It was covered in dirt, smelled like a fast-food trashcan, and was sprinting like mad towards the exit of the municipal garden. And Lucifer, who never swore, silently cursed his new appearance that made running through this once small park a now endless endeavour. He was almost out of breath now; he had never thought this would be the way he’d discover that cats too could go breathless. But there it was ! The green little gate that was so familiar, but also looked so ominous now that he was about a tenth of its size. The dreaded obstacle however proved to be nothing to worry about: he easily squeezed himself between the bars and slid away. Just like any other day, the streets were bustling with hurried people going home after work, which meant that more noise and odours than ever before suddenly assaulted him. Lucifer recoiled in near physical pain, unused to his feline senses as he was. But he shook his head and braced himself. The park had been around a ten-minute walk from the apartment he shared with Sandalphon. He could get there in five. He could run there in five. Passersby would long wonder about this strange cat darting down the sidewalk, only to wait patiently at traffic lights and cross the road on zebra crossings and nowhere else. Some of them nearly stepped on the poor Lucifer, but the more he ran, the more he realised this body came with reflexes he could not have even dreamt of having as a human. He dodged every single one of them, the ones who simply did not pay attention and screamed when they noticed a ball of dirty white fur run at their feet, and the ones who stopped right in front of him to try and pet him. He recognised the convenience store where he and Sandalphon bought their groceries, recognised the little restaurant where they had celebrated their fourth anniversary. And now that he thought about it, what day was today ? Last he recalled, it had been about three weeks before their anniversary. But what did he recall, truly ? His memory was blurred and fuzzy, and last he checked, nothing that could have happened to him could have turned him into a cat.

_Turn right at the corner, and you will be home_ , Lucifer thought. _Back to Sandalphon, one way or another._ He ran faster.

* * *

How much time had he spent, staring at the ceiling with an empty look in his eyes ? It felt like he hadn’t moved from that couch in years. The sun had gone down below the horizon now. He checked his watch; 8pm. It hadn’t been more than five minutes. Maybe he should cook himself something. Maybe this time he could stop himself from putting out a second plate for someone who was never coming home. Or he could just order takeout. It seemed easier. Olivia had warned him that “junk food won’t make anything better”, and he acknowledged that. But perhaps he needed to eat something unnecessarily greasy to feel the slightest hint of joy in his chest these days. Too tired to go fetch his laptop upstairs, Sandalphon grabbed his phone. He groaned at the battery percentage and scooted over to the other side of the couch to plug it in, and was busy battling with the tangled charger wire when of course the stupid phone rang. Upon seeing the caller ID, he thought about letting it ring until the line got disconnected. Knowing Lucio though, he would call again in the following second, fully aware that Sandalphon had been ignoring him. It’s with a heavy sigh that the brunette pressed the green button to answer the phone.

“What do you want.”

“Damn, that’s cold. Hello to you too, Sandy.”

“What. Do. You. Want.”

“I’m just checking up on you.”

“Thanks. You can stop now.”

“That was about the least genuine thanks anyone has ever given me.”

“Good for you.”

“Christ, Sandy. You can’t just avoid your friends or treat them like that when all we want is to be there for you.”

“And all I want is some time alone. Besides, I… Don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine ! We can talk about other things ! How was your day ? Any funny clientele stories today ?”

He did think of telling him about the old lady who had complimented him on his new house blend. Like every time as of late, it proved impossible. Repeating things idly, making his clients and colleagues think he was alright, those were fine things he could do. Honesty though, had become an insurmountable endeavour. Whenever he tried to talk, he felt like someone covered his mouth, forcing the words back down his throat. It wasn’t like Sandalphon wanted to avoid his friends. He just couldn’t say anything relevant to them. And Lucio, who was such a chatterbox, whose eloquence was superior to any other, wouldn’t understand that.

“Not really.”

“Oh come on, I’m sure there are some that you’re refusing to tell me.” He sounded apologetic. Perhaps it was because his voice sounded so much like his brother’s. “I just want to help, Sandy.”

“I know.”

“Hey, how about I come over this evening ?”

“What ?”

“Yeah ! We can order pizza, watch some dumb movie - the dumbest, they’re always the best. You love bad movies, don’t you ?”

“I… Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Pizza, sodas, bad movies. What says you ?”

“No.”

“That… was a disturbingly fast answer.”

“I don’t want to see your face right now.”

And like always, words hung in the air. _Because you look just like him. Because you sound just like him._ When Lucifer had told him he had not one, but two brothers, Sandalphon hadn’t really thought much of it. So, his boyfriend had siblings. What of it ? It was only when he first met them that he understood. They were triplets. And although they couldn’t be more different from one another, they had the same face, the same voice. Michael had thought that maybe spending time with Lucio and Lucilius would help him move on, and she may have been right - but not now, not four days after he had buried him, not a week after he had lost him. It was just way too soon. Those were things he could, should have told Lucio. He could have chosen so many different words to tell him just that. But they failed, they always failed him.

“I get it.”

“Good.”

“See you later, Sandy.”

“You won’t.”

Lucio hung up. He would apologise later, if he could find the strength to care again. About anything, about anyone. About everything and everyone that wasn’t gone.

_Just not now. Please. Not now._

* * *

Finally, he could see his building. Its complete lack of any distinguishable characteristics was what made it so peaceful to him, although now that he was a cat, it looked way taller than it already was back when he was human. He tried not to think about how fast he had adapted to the fact that he was, at the moment, a cat. Well, Sandalphon could help him try to figure it out.

Painstakingly climbing the stairs to the entrance, he soon found himself faced with a terrible foe.

A door.

A door that not only was meant to be opened by human hands, but it also required an access badge that he did not have, and even if he somehow did, there was no way he could access the badge reader. While he could have reached the interphone by climbing on top of the mailboxes, he wouldn’t be able to use it anyway: first because he had no hands, and second because he wasn’t sure he could talk in human words. So he did the only thing he had ever seen cats do to try and enter a building. He paced in front of the door while yelling at the top of his lungs. When a very loud meow came out of his throat, it confirmed that he indeed could not talk, which raised another question: how could he make Sandalphon understand that he was, in fact, Lucifer ? _It won’t matter if I don’t find a way to come in_. He could of course just wait for one of his neighbours to come home, but how long would that take ? He couldn’t wait. He needed to see Sandalphon, to make sure he was alright, to make _him_ sure that _he_ was alright. _Let’s put it simply, Lucifer._ This one particular voice in his head had the very disturbing habit of sounding like Lucilius. _You were turned into a cat, one way or another. Whatever memories haven’t been wiped from your mind, they all are foggy as a late autumn morning._ It really did sound like Lucilius. _And now not only are you trapped into this very small cat body, you also are locked outside. Sounds like you’ve got no choice but wait._ Maybe next time he’d call onto the Lucio voice in his head. He was a little more optimistic than their brother, to say the least. Oh, how he missed his siblings too. Sure, they wouldn’t have hesitated to make fun of him for somehow getting himself into this situation. But it all would have been in good spirits like it always was with them. Even grumpy Cilius couldn’t resist his brothers’ smiles. Lucifer sighed - oh, so cats could sigh too, that was good to know. Lucilius’s voice was right: he didn’t have a choice. So he curled up under the mailboxes, feeling the air grow more humid and cold with every passing minute. As a human, he most likely wouldn’t have noticed. He would have forgotten to check the weather, would have left his umbrella in the apartment. The raindrops falling from the dark skies above, _plic, plic, plic_ , would have taken him by surprise. He would have found refuge in some store or under a bus shelter, listening to the splattering of the rain. _Plic, plic, plic_. They fell now, on the stairs to the building entrance, on the street, gliding along car windows. Lucifer retreated even farther back, ignoring the cold that slowly settled between each hair of his fur.

Then, all of a sudden, his ears perked up on top of his head. Someone was running through the rain. Someone whose footsteps he was certain he had heard before, even though he could not be certain of much in this situation. It soon turned out he was right however; he knew these footsteps. How could he not recognise them ? He knew them by heart. He had grown up with them, sneaking in the kitchen at night with them to grab snacks and go play video games. Rain puddling on the ground or not, the footsteps could only belong to one soaked and cursing young man that now stood right in front of him: Lucio.

* * *

The knowledge that he was there for a good reason didn’t make the fact that he was soaked to the bone any easier to live with. Lucio was a man who had occasionally been called nosy, invasive, and overly loyal to his friends. The three of which he took as compliments, and used as fuel for his inner fire that pushed him to uphold his values. These values included: being nosy, invasive, and overly loyal to his friends, and they were the reason why he now stood outside of Sandalphon and Lucifer’s building, his silky white hair now hanging off his cranium like a mop someone had forgotten to wring out after use. _No, not Sandalphon and Lucifer._

This past week had been... Unreal.

Everyone mourned in a different way, he was aware of it - or rather, they all were at different stages of their mourning. People often said there were five: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Lucilius had been stuck in anger. He had left the funeral early, only for Lucio to find him punching the walls behind the town hall until his knuckles bled and his bones started shattering under his skin. Belial was perhaps bargaining. He and Lucifer had had such an odd relationship. From childhood friends to a strange sense of non-closeness. Where there once was a sturdy bridge, there was only rubble left. But every so often, they would walk through the debris to try and find each other again... Lucifer would. Lucifer desperately wanted his friend back. It was only a few months before the accident that their relationship had started growing better. Lucio remembered. His brother’s smile was the dearest in his heart, and Lucifer smiled whenever he remembered that he and Belial were friends again.

But then of course, there was the loud sound of brakes pulled too late, and the deafening crash of a car in the frail body of Lucifer.

Lucio wondered if that was what Sandalphon heard all the time. He hadn’t been there to see his brother die, but Sandalphon had heard his last words, had held his hand for his last breath. Perhaps that was why he hadn’t tried to deny it the way Lucio had, perhaps that was why he didn’t fight the truth with punches or words alike. What was certain was that this was why Lucio had to be there. Lucifer, wherever he was, would never forgive him if he left his dear solace alone when he most needed company.

And so Lucio was faced with yet another challenge: getting Sandalphon to open the door for him. He had made rather clear earlier that he didn’t want to see him, but in Lucio’s book, that only meant he needed to but couldn’t be bothered with admitting it. He could, hypothetically, wait for someone else to come in and go after them, but what if it was too late by then ? Perhaps Sandalphon would be asleep already - the mere thought made him laugh, but he still didn’t want to intrude on Sandalphon too late. Coming in at nine was okay. Visiting at midnight was different. With a groan, he started looking for Sandalphon’s last name on the interphone panel, when he heard a little meow. And Lucio loved cats, so of course he looked around for the feline, which happened to be right at his feet. He could see how below all the dirt and mud, the poor little kitten’s fur was solid white. It also had the biggest, brightest blue eyes he had ever seen on a cat in his life. When the small lad came to try and climb his leg, he squatted down to its level, gently patting its head.

“Hey there buddy… Look at yourself, where did you come from…” The cat meowed in response, and rubbed its cheek against his hand. “Oh, you want more scratches ? What’s your name I wonder… You don’t have a name tag, so perhaps you’ve been abandoned. In which case your owners were very cruel. No kitten should be separated from its mommy at such a young age.”

Only after a few minutes did Lucio realise that this little cat gave him the perfect excuse to get Sandalphon down from his apartment. He tried to grab the stray with the most delicate hold he could manage - he was surprised when it settled in his arms without resistance.

“So not only are you a cute kitty, you’re also a smart kitty huh ?”

He started looking for Sandalphon’s name on the interphone again; paused when he recognised his own, and pushed the call button. It rang once, twice, all the while Lucio kept smiling at the camera.

“Didn’t I tell you not to come”, Sandalphon finally groaned through the speaker, eight floors above Lucio’s head. “Go away.”

The cat started squirming when it heard his voice; perhaps it had been startled by the sudden harsh tone the young man always used to talk to Lucio these days. Far from discouraging the latter though, it only motivated him further to go and see him.

“Hey, Sandy ! Say, would you mind coming down here for a second ?”

“Yes. Goodbye.”

“Wait, don’t hang up on me ! Geez, you really need to start working on that bad habit of yours. I just need you to come and see something.”

“You came all the way from your place to mine just to show me something ?”

“It wasn’t planned per se, but now that I have found it, I have to show you.”

A brief moment of silence. Lucio wondered just what was going through Sandalphon’s mind. It could either be really complicated, or the brunette was just insulting him in his head. Lucifer had certified that he did both, although he frowned upon their chaotic relationship and would have much rather liked it if they could get along better. In Lucio’s defense, Sandalphon was usually the one who started their fights. Well, actually, Sandalphon was the one who fought Lucio, while Lucio had always tried to act warm and friendly towards his baby brother’s beloved boyfriend. He didn’t know when or how it had backfired, but nevertheless, their relationship had been off to a very rocky start. Perhaps it was because of that one time Lucio had come to check on his brother, and had ended up doing his and Sandalphon’s laundry. Either way they were much better friends now, and Lucio cherished every second spent with…

_“Lucio, could I ask for your assistance ?”_

It is against his will that a whimper escaped his throat, and he swallowed back his tears when he felt them welling under his tightly closed eyelids. The white cat in his arms rubbed its head against his chin, purring and pawing at his chest. _Thank God Sandy will never know._

“Hey, face-thief. You still there ?”

“Huh ? Yeah, yes, of course ! So, you coming down to see me ?”

“No. But you can come up. To dry yourself or something.”

“Awww, so you do care !”

“Shut up.”

He giggled at his words, and for a mere second, he thought he could hear Sandalphon smile. It made no sense, of course. But the Morningstar brothers had always been very perceptive people, hadn’t they ? The cat purred louder, begging him for more scratches - he was happy to provide, setting aside his sadness and the terrible secret that weighed on his shoulders for the few moments when there was nothing but him, the sound of rain and the stray cat’s soft fur.

* * *

Whatever the hell it was that Lucio wanted to show him, it had better be worth it. Sandalphon tried to suppress the annoying little voice in his head that told him that worth it or not, he really did want to see his friend and maybe give him a proper apology for his behaviour over the past week. It was like his mood was embarking on a rollercoaster every time the slightest impromptu event had the audacity of happening. He went from annoyance at Lucio’s antics to genuine happiness, went from distraught to somewhat comfortable with the idea once he had to face it. All it took was one simple push on one simple button for him to open the door. _And now we wait._

A couple minutes later there was a series of joyful knocks on the door.

“It’s me”, Lucio announced in a sing-song voice. “Open up, Sandy !”

_Well it all started when my boyfriend died._ He hadn’t even moved from his spot next to the interphone. It was with the longest sigh that he opened the door, his eyes determinedly fixed on the floor.

“Sandy !”

“Yeah.”

“Look !”

“Look at what, jackass-”

He was interrupted by the loudest meow, and lifted his head, eyes going wide. Lucio indeed held in his arms a small, white kitten that was also covered in mud and smelled like it had spent a week inside a trashcan.

“It’s a cat !”

“I can fucking see it’s a cat, Lucio.”

“Can we come in ?”

“You two are an item now ?”

“Pleaseeeee ?”

“Fine.”

He stepped aside to let his boyfriend’s stupid brother invade his apartment, insisting beforehand that he took off his shoes, and didn’t let the dirty animal on his couch. It seemed the cat understood human language even better than Lucio himself did, because he tried to sit it down on one of the pillows just so he could annoy the heck out of Sandalphon. The little beast had started squirming around in his arms, hitting him with its tiny paws, showing him its adorable and yet very pointy teeth. He eventually let it go, and the cat wisely chose to go sit far away from the fluffy carpet, which Sandalphon was very grateful for.

“So, Sandy.”

“What.”

He still wasn’t looking at Lucio. Not at his face, anyway. Even if there were a few differences, like how Lucio had longer hair, fairer skin, and eyes slightly less blue than Lucifer’s, they were so insignificant that in the wrong light, with Lucio’s white locks disappearing inside the towel, he still looked like Lucifer.

“Do you think you could take care of this little guy ?”

“What ?!” This time, Sandalphon put aside the bottle of water he had started drinking, just to make sure he wouldn’t choke on it. “Why in the world… You found it, can’t you take care of it ?”

“You love cats don’t you ?”

“Not a reason.”

“Absolutely a reason. Also, my landlord doesn’t accept pets in the building.”

That was, in fact, a good argument - which made Lucio all the more insufferable in Sandalphon’s opinion. He couldn’t afford taking a pet in right now, not because money was tight or anything, but rather because he wasn’t certain he would be able to give it the love and care it needed and deserved. So, he started considering other options. Lucilius and Belial were a no-go; first off because no one in a right state of mind would ask these two to take care of another living being, and second because they lived in a two-room apartment that had already proved to be too small for them. Sandalphon on the other hand had a loft for him and him alone. When Lucifer had first taken a liking to the place, it had been in such a decrepit state that he had tried to dissuade him from buying it. As per usual, it had had the exact opposite effect: with one pleading look of his wide blue eyes that Sandalphon loved so much, he had convinced the brunette to take it. They then had spent two months painting the walls, assembling furniture, hanging fairy lights on the iron railings, putting fake ivy everywhere and fighting over which rug to pick for the living room and which carpet was more fitted to the bedroom. (Sandalphon had won those fights.) Point was, he had more than enough space for the tiny little kitten, especially considering it was small enough to fit in the palm of his hand if it didn’t move too much. Of course Michael and Gabriel had a much bigger house, and with a garden at that, but their children were too young and they wouldn’t risk finding out about some unknown allergies the hard way. Raphael and Uriel had the same problem. For a second there, Sandalphon thought about Sariel and Azazel. They were, in his opinion, the perfect candidates: Sariel loved animals and treated them all with that signature kindness of his, and he remembered Azazel mentioning he had loved training his dog when he was a child. However he soon remembered that the two had managed to kill a goldfish in the span of a week, by either feeding it too much or not enough. Granted, a cat was more persistant than a goldfish when it went hungry, but Sandalphon wasn’t all that sure he’d want these two taking care of that poor stray. They would just call Olivia for help anytime something went wrong. She would of course lend them a hand, but might make things worse on accident in the process. Which was why she wasn’t an option either. And he didn’t even dream of considering Halluel, Malluel, Azrael and Israfel as candidates. The four of them were stuffed together in an apartment so messy it made even Lucilius pale in comparison. As for Beelzebub and Shalem… They were even worse than Lucilius and Belial. So really, the only viable option was him, which infuriated him even more if possible.

“You put posters for a stray cat”, he groaned, pointing his index at Lucio. “I’ll keep it until we find its owner.”

“Thing is, I’m not sure this little buddy has one. He doesn’t have a collar.”

“So he’s a he now ?”

“He’s a he”, Lucio confirmed. “What ? I got bored on the elevator, and someone had to check.”

“No one asked.”

“You did ! With your eyes !”

“Did not. Whatever. Let’s still put up posters. But first, this stinky cat is getting a bath.”

* * *

Lucio left around an hour later, after having made sure that everything was perfectly fine in the apartment. He had opened the cupboards and fridge wide to check if Sandalphon had enough food, had even offered to fold his laundry; to which Sandalphon responded with a death glare. _Typical Lucio_ , Lucifer thought fondly. He had greatly appreciated the bath he and Sandalphon had given him; his fur now felt soft, light, and most important of all, clean. How he was supposed to replace a good shower with licking, he didn’t know. He wasn’t certain he wanted to ask, either.

It was strange being back in that apartment in the shape of a tiny kitten. Everything seemed so much bigger than it should have been. The coffee table he once had complained was a bit too low was now out of his reach. He remembered how, back when he was human, he never truly paid attention to the black iron stairs that led to the mezzanine. Every morning when he came out of bed, he would climb them down with his head in the gutter, guided only by the smell of Sandalphon’s homemade coffee. He was convinced that if he tried going upstairs now, it would be equivalent to bouldering under his human form.

“Fucking Lucio”, Sandalphon grumbled as he slammed the fridge door. Lucifer wrinkled his pink little nose at that. He didn’t like it when Sandalphon slammed doors. “Always dragging me in his messes.”

He wasn’t too wrong about that, though. The small cat took to observing the master of the house, who had apparently decided to cook… toast. He cracked an egg open on a piece of bread, surrounded it with tons of mayonnaise, added salt and pepper on top before throwing everything inside the oven. He remembered the first time they had tried out that recipe they’d found on the internet. They had fallen in love with the taste of melting mayonnaise in an instant. With a pleading meow, he tried climbing on one of the stools to reach the countertop, to no avail. It was then that he felt a hand under his paws, and whoosh ! Sandalphon lifted him all the way up, and it was a little scary because he hadn’t expected it, but it was also surprisingly funny. His boyfriend - could he still call him his boyfriend ? He was a cat - gently put him down, staring at him with this crimson gaze that made Lucifer the happiest man, or cat, in the world… Until he noticed the hint of sadness in his eyes. _I’m home_ , he tried so desperately to say. _I’m here._ But all that came out was a succession of sad meows, that dragged Sandalphon out of his reverie.

“Oh, shit. You must be hungry. Hang on, I’ve got some ham for you.”

_Who cares about ham ?! I mean, I do. I_ am _, in fact, a little hungry. But who cares about ham ?!_

“There you go.”

He cut the meat in tiny pieces, thinking it might make it easier for Lucifer to eat it. Instead, it only made him question his current appearance even more. Was he supposed to just… Eat it off the table ? Would it be strange if he were to get a claw out, pick a piece, and put it in his mouth ? How did he even get his claws out ?

“Hey. No scratching the furniture.”

_Like this. Fine._ He was starting to hate his current disposition. He tried his best to put his claws back in, and thankfully managed, before bowing his head to Sandalphon as thanks for the meal. He frowned - right, cats weren’t supposed to know of the basic rules of courtesy. But Lucifer would be damned if he were caught ever being impolite to Sandalphon. Cat or not. So he started picking at his ham, enjoying the smokey taste of the meat, and also finding out in the process that he had a rather ferocious appetite as a cat, more than he had as a human. He however stopped dead in his tracks when he heard Sandalphon chuckle. _What is it ?_

“For such a little guy, you sure can eat.”

_Sorry_ , he wanted to say. He didn’t mean to take Sandalphon’s food, after all.

“Well. You grow big and strong, okay ? Someday, you’ll make a family very happy.”

_You’re my family, Sandalphon._

“Though you really yell a lot.” His hand now hovered above Lucifer’s tiny head. He knew just what was going on inside his Sandalphon’s mind: he wanted to pet the cat, but wasn’t certain the cat would like it. So Lucifer decided that he would, in fact, like it a lot thank you very much, and sat straight under the brunette’s palm. “Heh. You’re a weird cat. I should find you a name, shouldn’t I ? How about… Lucius ? No, that sounds too much like Cilius’s name. It’s… Yeah, no. Then maybe… Pharos ? Would you like to be named Pharos ?”

He meowed once to say yes. Sandalphon smiled, albeit a sad smile, and started scratching him behind the ears.

“Why am I even asking. You’re a cat, I don’t expect you to answer me.”

_I am, though._

“Anyway, Pharos it is. Damnit, I’m sure that idiot Lucio had planned it all. He just wants me to get attached and keep you, I’m sure of it. Oh right, Lucio’s the obnoxious guy who found you.”

Had he been able to laugh, Lucifer would have, though not without reproaching Sandalphon with saying it out loud. Obnoxious, that could be one way of describing his dear brother alright. Both of them, really. Lucilius and Lucio, they were people who did whatever they wanted, and they did it all at their own pace, sometimes forgetting that they should care a little more for the advice others give them. He had stopped counting the number of times he’d had to fix their mistakes. The one difference between them however, was that Cilius was much more discreet than their brother, and usually didn’t bother anyone until whatever he’d planned blew up in their faces. Lucio on the other hand was a loud, dazzling, happy-go-lucky young man who either thought everything or nothing through.

“He’s… He’s my boyfriend’s brother. Not that you understand.”

And all of a sudden, the smile vanished from Sandalphon’s lips, and his expression turned grim. No, it was more than grim; it looked like he had been thrown in the pits of true despair. Tears started welling up in his eyes - _no, no, no_ , Lucifer panicked. Sandalphon crying was his greatest fear. _I’m here, I’m here love. Please don’t cry. I’m here._ But his words stayed unspoken, instead turning into painful whining. So he gave him little head bumps, begging him not to cry anymore, not to worry. _I’m here._

“You’re way too sensitive for a cat”, Sandalphon managed to joke between two sobs. “Where do you come from, huh ?”

He wiped his tears away as the oven rang. As he took his meal out, Lucifer could see his hands shake, and God did he want to take them in his. He wanted to put that plate aside, to hold his hands, to lace their fingers together and kiss every one of Sandalphon’s knuckles. _Please don’t cry._ How long had he been gone ? Had he simply disappeared from the face of the Earth ? He hated that he couldn’t remember, hated that not a single thing in this situation made any kind of sense. What had happened to his body ? Why didn’t whatever power lived above let him hold the love of his life against him ? He wanted to cry… But, he found out, he couldn’t cry either.

_Please let me tell him I love him._

* * *

_“Just let me love you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading ! Don't hesitate to comment; I'd be very happy to hear your thoughts !


	3. Part Two: Contemplations.

“Lyria, a raspberry cheesecake and a brownie for table eight !”

“On it !”

“I’ll go take care of table thirteen. Rackam, can I trust you with the bar ?”

“Aye, just do your thing, Sandy.”

“Don’t call me- oh, whatever.”

He stepped out from behind the counter where Rackam was handling a crowd of enthusiastic customers, and headed for a table in the corner where a couple had gotten into a fight.

“Hello, and welcome to Café Millenia”, he smiled. “Are you perhaps encountering some difficulties ? May I offer my assistance in any way ?”

“Oh, hey, we can ask him”, the bespectacled man said. “Say, uh…” He took one disdainful look at his name tag. “Sandalphon ? Huh. Funny name. Well, my wife and I are having a bit of an argument.”

“Don’t drag this poor boy into this”, the woman frowned. “Please, be on your way now.”

“Oh no, no, no. He offered his assistance, Claire. So now we are going to take it.”

“Please don’t be like this.”

“So, Sandal - you don’t mind if I call you Sandal, right ? Your name’s a bit of a mouthful.”

“So I’ve been told. Still, I would much prefer if-”

“Yeah right, so, here’s the thing Sandal. My wife here, she thinks that me going out with some female coworkers every evening or so is like, no good. What do you think ? Do you go out with uh… I don’t know, the blue-haired girlie over there ?”

“I wouldn’t even dream of it. She’s barely sixteen.”

“Yeah, okay, uh, what about the hottie with the outrageous cleavage ?”

He pointed at Rosetta, and Sandalphon had to fight himself not to let his eyes roll all the way back into their sockets. He didn’t mind Rosetta wearing whatever she wanted at work. Actually, he encouraged his employees to come as themselves and none other. That was what he liked best with Millenia: it was one of the few places where he could truly be himself, and it would have been quite hypocritical of him to have them wear some kind of uniform beside Millenia’s blue apron.

“Vincent !”

“What ? You gotta admit, it’s very daring of her to come to work dressed like this.”

“I do not go out with her, no.”

The man, whom Sandalphon was hating a little more every second he spent breathing the same oxygen as him, raised a brow before going back to stare at the waitress. And his stare, Sandalphon did not like at all.

“If you did, would your girlfriend think it’s weird ?”

_Well. That’s awkward._

“My boyfriend”, he coughed, “wouldn’t mind.”

And now Vincent was blinking like an idiot, and Claire’s mouth hung open so wide that he was convinced that if she left it like that any moment longer, she’d swallow a fly.

“Ah. Didn’t realise you were, um… Sorry we’ve taken your time.”

“Not at all, sir. It’s all part of my job. Is there anything else I may help you with ?”

“No, no. We’re all done here”, Vincent forcefully smiled at him. “Although, I suppose you can clean this up.”

“With pleasure.

As he gathered the man’s cup, saucer, and spoon, he looked straight into his wife’s eyes and mouthed, “leave him”. She frowned ever so slightly, and looked like she was about to say something, but stopped herself last minute. Since her husband was busy staring at Rosetta anyway, she nodded, mouthed a “thank you” in response, and handed him her cup as well as a well-rounded tip. He tried to refuse it, but if he stayed any longer at their table, Vincent would start asking questions; so he took it, gave Claire a last smile that he hoped would bring her luck, and went back to the counter.

“Where was the fire ?” Rackam laughed as he cleaned a glass.

“Couple problems ?” Noa added from their stool. The young architect was Rackam’s oldest and closest friend, and often came by for a break, seeing as their office was only two streets away. They twirled their spoon around in their coffee mug, the playful smile on their lips doing nothing to hide the anger within. “I saw how that man looked at Rosetta. She saw it too, by the way. Lyria had to stop her from drenching him in lemonade.”

“Remind me to give this girl a raise”, Sandalphon sighed. “Long story short, the man’s an ass, and a cheating one at that.”

“So what kickass advice did ya give them ?”

“Told him I have a boyfriend, which he took as ‘don’t ask me for straight advice’. Then, told her to leave him.”

“And you were right to do so”, Rosetta said as she came back with a platter full of dirty dishes. “I did not like the way that man looked at me, or at our Lyria.”

“Lyria as well?” Noa frowned. The spoon stopped twirling. “With your permission Sandalphon, could I go give this man a piece of my mind ?”

“Please don’t make a mess in my café.”

“Sorry buddy, the boss has spoken.”

Noa’s light pout made their friend laugh raucously as he always did, and even said boss himself couldn’t help a smile. These two had helped a great deal with the opening of the café, and for that, they were always welcome at Millenia. Well, Noa was always welcome at Millenia. Rackam worked there, so of course he was welcome to turn up.

“At least that’ll make for a nice story to tell Lucifer tonight”, he joked.

And all of a sudden, his friends went still. Smiles slipped off their faces, the music in the café stopped, the chatting turned to painful silence. What had been a rainy day a second ago became unearably sunny, and the smell of coffee slowly changed into something foul, like burning plastic… rubber, it was burning rubber and oil…

“Sandy”, Rackam muttered. “Lucifer is…”

“No !”

His eyes flew open, his breath hitched, blankets got thrown, a cat hissed. _A cat ?_ And then, all of a sudden, he remembered. He wasn’t at work at all. He was at home, he was having nightmares, and he had taken in a stray cat the previous evening and he was now certain he had just thrown the poor beast off the couch.

“Shit, Pharos !”

Not bothering with the cold sweat rolling down his skin, he jumped from the couch, searching among the blankets for the tiny white kitten. He soon found him, buried underneath the pile, and the poor thing was screaming as though his life depended on it.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… You okay ? Oh fuck, I’m so sorry, I… I didn’t know you were there.”

He held out a hand towards the small feline, not wanting to scare him even more. But Pharos seemed a bit strange for a cat, something he had already noticed the previous evening. He shook his head, and went to rub his cheek against Sandalphon’s extended fingers, even pawing at them to climb onto the palm of his hand. The young man let him, wondering at Pharos’s behaviour. He acted like he understood everything Sandalphon told him, going so far as to answer him sometimes. For a second there, he held the cat against him, stroking his fluffy fur which turned out to be quite relaxing, even the more so when Pharos started purring. One look at the clock on the wall told him he was still early. His shift at Millenia didn’t start before ten, and it was bloody six and a half in the morning. No wonder he still felt tired. He mustn’t have slept more than four hours. But then again, this was routine to him.

 _At least when Lucifer was alive, you had a reason to get up early._ Wake up, drag himself out of bed, come down from the bedroom, make breakfast. Lucifer loved his homemade breakfast. Now Sandalphon didn’t even have the strength to climb up the stairs to said bedroom. He had tried to, the first evening after the accident. But the sheets still smelled like him, and he had spent the entire night with his eyes wide open. Not a single tear had come out. It had been worse when morning had come, and the other side of the bed remained empty.

“Mrrow ?”

He blinked, coming back to reality as Pharos’s wide blue eyes stared at him.

“You hungry ?” The cat meowed again. “I’ve only got more ham for you, sorry. I’ll go buy you some cat food this afternoon.”

And then, Pharos did something Sandalphon wasn’t aware cats could do. He groaned. Like he hated the idea. The groan was followed by a whimper and several more head bumps.

“You… Don’t like cat food.” He meowed. _Okay. Okay, Sandalphon. You’re officially going crazy._ “Uh. But I can’t just feed you ham.”

He meowed again, as if to say, “yes you can”. Which was nuts. Either Pharos was an overly clever cat, or he was a human stuck in a cat’s body, or Sandalphon was insane, or he was still half-asleep. The last option being the most probable, he gave himself a good slap, which made the cat cry out in what he assumed was worry - he slapped himself again, the cat couldn’t be worried about him, he was a cat. But the cat was, actually, worried. The cat climbed all the way to his shoulder and started licking his reddened cheek. _What the fuck ?_

“You’re… a weird cat, Pharos.”

The cat meowed in response.

* * *

Lucifer had always wanted to fly, but he had never wanted it to be against his will, let alone by being thrown off a couch by his obviously unwell boyfriend while being stuck inside a cat’s body.

Still. It had been somewhat fun. What he did not understand however was why Sandalphon slept on the couch in the first place. They had the most comfortable bed they could find upstairs - the IKEA employee had nearly thrown them out of the shop because they wouldn’t stop pretending to try out every mattress available, all the while still going back to that one and laying there and maybe also they had started making out and maybe that was why they had, actually, been thrown out of IKEA. Anyhow, Lucifer knew for a fact Sandalphon loved that bed. The two of them had this wonderful habit of just lounging in it on lazy Sunday mornings, whispering sweet nothings to each other, trying to convince themselves that they needed to get out of bed at some point but never quite managing it because it was just so damned comfortable. So, why was he sleeping on the couch ?

* * *

After clearing his head under the shower for a good twenty minutes, Sandalphon started cooking breakfast. Namely, he threw some cereal into a bowl, filled it with milk, and grabbed it before scouting over to the couch, switching the TV on, and enjoying the meal. He didn’t cook breakfast anymore. This seemed to make Pharos quite distraught. The cat’s ears went down, and he rolled himself up next to Sandalphon, and the latter could swear he was pouting. He was about to decide never to question this weird cat Lucio had found ever again, when he had a revelation.

“Lucio.”

The cat perked up at the name, which only made Sandalphon more suspicious. Without a single care that it was barely seven in the morning, he grabbed his phone and dialled Lucio’s number.

“Who the hell is this”, the model groaned when he finally picked up. “You’d better have a good reason to call before nine.”

“It’s Sandalphon.”

“Fuck.”

“Fess up. How did you do it ?”

“Can I call you back later ? A king needs his beauty sleep, Sandy.”

“No. How did you do it ?”

“I’ve already told you, my skincare routine is-”

“I’m not talking about that”, he hissed. “How did you train that cat ?”

“What cat ?”

“The cat.”

“Oh right ! The cat. How is he ?”

“He’s fine. He’s too fine, actually. Pretty damn clever, a little too clever if you know what I mean ?”

“I don’t, Sandy. What do you mean by that ?”

“It’s like he understands everything I say, Lucio. So how did you train him ? He’s still very young.”

“Young ? I think he’s just tiny. Like Cilius. Lol.”

“You do not say ‘lol’ in a verbal conversation, jackass.”

“Hey, I could have said ‘like you’.”

“Good for you that you didn’t. Now answer my question.”

“I didn’t train him, Sandy, I swear. I just found him hiding under the mailboxes at the entrance. Like I told you yesterday.”

“That’s obviously a lie ! There’s no way a random stray like this… For fuck’s sake, I’m pretty sure this cat just told me he doesn’t like cat food.”

It was only after saying it that he realised how foolish it sounded, and got embarrassed. His cheeks flared up, and as Lucio mocked him on the other side of the line, he came up with his most creative insults, some of which he was glad his mother would never hear him say. After a few more moments of pointless bickering, Lucio insisted that he needed to hang up and catch up on the twenty minutes of sleep Sandalphon had just stolen from him. And so he did, this time without asking for the other’s opinion.

“Moron”, the latter groaned at his phone after the line disconnected.

The cat meowed in agreement, or perhaps was it in protest.

* * *

It had now been a week since he had taken little Pharos in, and he admitted that if Lucio was truly planning on him getting attached, his insufferable friend had succeeded. Sandalphon had looked up actual recipes he could cook for him on the internet, and Pharos ate meals fit for a king. They had also grown to have their little habits. Sandalphon wasn’t one to sleep much, and Pharos, being a cat, slept the better part of the day while he was at work, and stayed awake with him during the night. He always sat next to him, or on his lap, his purring ringing in Sandalphon’s ears whenever he started petting him. And somehow, despite his non-existent sleep schedule, he was starting to have a routine of sorts again. He still didn’t sleep in the bedroom, still felt empty, miserable, lonely and lonesome and at the same time desperate for company - but caring for the little cat made it all a little more bearable, a little easier for him to slip back into good habits. On his days off, rather than just staying in bed, he tried writing again. He had never loved his writing, but he did miss poetry. So he wrote. Some people said writing was a form of therapy; he found it to be more upsetting than it was liberating, for the words kept escaping him the way they always did as of late. He wrote, nevertheless. Wrote about halcyon days he dearly missed, wrote about sky-blue irises and stolen kisses. Wrote about death and about graves and about angels. Wrote so much in fact, the notebook he used was soon filled with poems, some unfinished, some too long, some too short, some terrible. Most of them were terrible, in his opinion. And he wasn’t going to ask anyone for another one, as his poetry was his and his only. It was lined with memories of Lucifer, with words destined for him.

And it felt good. It felt alright.

He hated how good it felt.

* * *

It rained again. Sandalphon liked the rain, even if it was a bother to walk around the large puddles on the street. Rain made a mess of everything, and he had always been one to love messes. He even took off his headphones to listen to the splattering on his umbrella as he made his way to work. He recalled the sweet memory of the night he had met Lucifer, that fateful encounter that had been a curse as well as a blessing.

_Rain. Sandalphon liked the rain. He loved it even more when he was stuck inside the empty_ _Eden_ _Café. Though a sophomore in highschool he may be, his boss had agreed to let him work there part-time, and Sandalphon loved the job. Loved it even more when he was asked to close up. It was soothing, listening to the rain outside as he wiped tables clean inside. Most people his age spent their Friday evenings partying, but he liked staying at the café best. His friends Olivia and Azazel had tried negociating with his boss for him to take the night off, but Sandalphon himself had insisted he didn’t want to go anyway; he’d have to apologise to them later for that, as it seemed to hurt their feelings a little. He couldn’t help it: closing_ _Eden_ _was part of his routine, and he enjoyed every second of it._

 _He hadn’t planned on a handsome stranger disrupting this routine. Hadn’t planned on him disrupting his feelings either. Sandalphon was just about to leave when he noticed a tall figure staggering under the rain. He stepped away from the door, having every intention of letting the disconcerting man go on his way before leaving himself. But then the man fell to the ground, uncaring of the rain it seemed, his back to_ _Eden_ _’s wall. And in between the quiet noise of raindrops falling, Sandalphon could hear him cry._

That had been when everything had changed for him. That sob in the rain, the tears that rolled down his cheeks. They had shattered something in Sandalphon’s heart. Later on, he had realised it had been a lock. He had never fallen in love with anyone, so he figured, perhaps his feelings and his ability to love had been tightly guarded by this lock. But on the day that they shared their first kiss, Sandalphon had been convinced that what lied behind this lock had been, rather than feelings, memories. Memories of lives past, memories of loves long gone. He who was made fun of for his pragmatism, had become convinced that Lucifer was the only person he could ever love, for he had loved him a thousand times before. He had thought it silly. He had told Lucifer, expecting him to mock him. He hadn’t.

_The bell above the door rang when he opened it, and the startled stranger jumped to his feet. He eased when he saw Sandalphon; who realised he had been wrong in calling him a man, for that person wasn’t all that much older than he was._

_“I’m so sorry for scaring you. I will be on my way now, you do not have to worry about me robbing your shop.”_

_“It’s a café”, he stammered in response. That had been the only thing to come to mind. “Wait, fuck, no, I mean, no, don’t be on your way !”_

_“Why ?”_

Because for the first time in my life, I think something special may be happening to me, and perhaps _someone_ special is happening to me _, was what he wanted to say. He didn’t. He couldn’t just do whatever he wanted to do, because if he did, he would have to slap his cheeks to get himself together. He had only exchanged a few words with this guy, and perhaps he was simply not used to meeting new people. Maybe he just felt lonely and wanted a new friend. He laughed at that thought as soon as it crossed his mind._

_“Is it something I said ?”_

_“Huh ? Oh no, I wasn’t laughing at you, I was… Urgh…”_

_Silence. He waited for him to finish his sentence. Sandalphon felt his face burn up, for he had no idea what to say._

_“Whatever. Come on in.”_

_“I’m sorry, I don’t want to intrude on you…”_

_“It’s fine. What my boss doesn’t know can’t hurt him.”_

_The answer displeased the stranger thoroughly, and he frowned his perfect eyebrows at this._

_“If there is any risk of you getting fired-”_

_“Let me put it this way. It’s raining, you’re drenched and also a little bit of a mess. A handsome_ _young man_ _just told you you could come inside a perfectly dry coffeeshop and wait there until the deluge’s over.”_

_“I do not want to bother you.”_

_“If I’m telling you you can come in, then you’re not bothering me.”_

He remembered how Lucifer had once told him that the conversation they’d had that night had changed his life. Just a little, just enough for him to get back on track. He had also confessed, cheeks burning red, that on that night, for the first time of his life, he had dreamt of something for himself. He had told him that when the morning mist had fallen on the city, and he had taken a step outside again, he had made the secret wish to come back to this place, and have a cup of coffee with that strange barista. And he had, oh, he had.

They hadn’t even told each other their names back then, but they had already fallen in love.

* * *

_It all fell apart._

* * *

He came home early, too early. He usually didn’t get back from his Tuesday shift before six. So as soon as he stepped inside the house, Lucifer ran to him. But Sandalphon didn’t spare him a look. He hung his keys on the nail, dropped his bag on the floor, kicked his shoes off his feet. Lucifer heard him whimper, trying to suppress his sobs as he paced around, only to stop dead in his tracks and curl up on the floor with his back to the couch. Indistinct words slurred from his mouth, and he scratched at his hands and his arms, and he dug his nails deep in them, and Lucifer couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand seeing him hurt, so he ran to him again. _Let me help, let me help, let me help_. He couldn’t help. Just like everything and everyone, in the end. Even back when he was human, Lucifer had early on had to face the realisation that although he wanted so badly, so desperately, to be of help to everyone, he could never be. Lucilius had often criticised his kindness, calling him naïve, calling him an idiot, telling him in his own way to take care of himself. How could he when there was so much pain in the world ? How could he, a sole and powerless man, protect everything he held dear ? That was every soul, every mind, every heart. And most importantly, that was Sandalphon.

That was when a memory chose to resurface. Or rather, a fragment of a memory, a few words he heard again. “Let me help”, he had told him. And Lucifer had smiled, yes, he remembered smiling at Sandalphon in response, smiling his smile that people always told him was too soft, too melancholic. Lucifer had smiled at the tears rolling down Sandalphon’s cheeks, and he had told him…

“No one can help.”

In the time it had taken Lucifer to reminisce, Sandalphon had at last allowed himself to cry. He wasn’t even bothering himself with wiping his tears away. They ran down his face, soaking the collar of his shirt - _his_ shirt, Lucifer realised. Sandalphon was wearing one of his shirts, a simple white one he liked very much. It was slightly too big on him, and he’d had to roll up the sleeves.

“It’s what he said, Pharos. ‘No one can help’. He always tried to shoulder everything by himself. Added it all to that burden he always carried around.”

_I’m sorry._

“Always apologising.”

_I’m sorry._

“Always apologising for apologising too much.”

_Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry._

“And he loved… everything so damn much. He loved everything so much, too much. And I, I… I thought perhaps he loved me more than everything else.”

 _I do !_ He wanted to speak, he wanted to cry, wanted to hold him, wanted to console him. But he was now even more powerless than before. He used to think he had to show kindness to everyone, and believed in this so strongly it carved a void inside his chest. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. To see so many wonders defiled by hatred and pain. That was why he’d start small, start with the people around him. Had he forgotten the one closest to him ? How could he have ? _Please believe I love you. Please believe I’ll always love you._

“And he did. That stupid… That idiot… Did.” A sob, a cry, a silent scream. “He loved me so much it killed him.”

* * *

_“Are you alright ?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading !! Who knows, someday maybe I'll write the full story of how Lucifer and Sandalphon met in this particular AU... I do have it all scripted out in my head, ahah ! Don't hesitate to leave a comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts !!


	4. Part Three: Chimères.

So he was dead.

It all made sense now.

* * *

It didn’t.

It didn’t make any kind of fucking sense and yes, Lucifer was going to swear for once, because _it didn’t make any fucking sense_. So he was dead. He had started wondering about that and in a way, this was the news that surprised him the least. Talk about ironic. Turned out that learning he was dead wasn’t all that unexpected. It still didn’t explain why he was a cat, and he wasn’t ready to delve into the tricky subject that was reincarnation. After spending a little longer crying curled up on the floor, Sandalphon had gone to take yet another long and most likely boiling hot shower - it was something he did whenever he needed to calm down, clear his head. It gave Lucifer all the time in the world to start pondering as to what had happened, how, why, and more importantly, how he could come back to his Sandalphon. _Come back._ The words triggered yet another memory in his head, but he couldn’t recall it just yet. He could remember saying them with his own voice, albeit a little hoarse from crying. He remembered running, shouting something at someone. And after that there was nothing. _Remember, remember_. He needed to remember. If he was going to be stuck in a cat’s body for whatever reason, then he might as well make it count. Find something, anything he as a human had left in this apartment for Sandalphon to find. He was certain there had been something like it, and that certainty scratched at the back door of his mind. Everything was jumbled, mixed up - he remembered with blissful clarity the night he had first met Sandalphon, the talk they had had in that café. Eden, it was named Eden. He would never have forgiven himself if he had forgotten that, too.

And there had been their first dates, their first kiss, their first… All of their firsts. He remembered them. He wasn’t sure of the chronological order, but he remembered them. Their first lousy apartment, their first trip outside the city, the first time he had told him he loved him and the first time he had said it back. There had been coffee dates in Eden, taking strolls in a beautiful garden, decorating a white marble pavilion with fresh and colourful flowers.

They had never had a garden.

* * *

“He what ?”

“Yeah, he did that !”

“I don’t believe you. Why should I ever believe anything you tell me.”

“Uh, because you’re my brother and you love me ?”

“That’s not a reason.”

“Cilius, that’s like, the best reason.”

“I love Belial, does that mean I should believe everything he says ?”

“Aww, so you do love me, Cilius ?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

The three of them were seated at their favourite bar, Raduga. The booth in the far right corner had pretty much become theirs over the years; and the one next to it as well, since they often came in numbers. Lucilius was stuck next to his boyfriend, sipping a mojito. Across from him sat his brother, who was telling them a preposterous story about Sandalphon taking in a stray kitten.

“What’s so hard to believe about that, Cilius ?” Belial asked before grabbing a handful of peanuts. “He’s always liked animals. I’m surprised Cifer and him never got a pet.”

At these words, Lucilius’s grip on his glass got a little stronger. Just enough to turn his knuckles white, and for Belial, of all people, to worry. He grabbed the cocktail and wisely put it away, to which Lucilius rolled his eyes. He hated being doted upon. And he was fine. He was mourning, yes. And he had thrown a pan to the wall in rage earlier, yes. It didn’t mean he was going to make a spectacle of himself in a public place, let alone at Raduga. The owner and barmaid, Ladiva, was a friend and she would never quite forgive him if he made a mess of her bar. Not to mention it would earn the three of them a ban, and that was a no-go. He could control himself anyway. And he liked being angry better than being in blatant denial the way Lucio was.

“Yes, that is quite surprising. I thought Lucifer was going to get a puppy the second they moved in that loft.”

“Oh c’mon Cio, you know Sandy’d have fought him on this. He’d have wanted a cat, and guess what ? He’s got a cat now. What did he name it ?”

“Pharos.”

“Lighthouse”, Lucilius frowned. He got quizzical looks from both his companions. “That’s just what the name means. Lighthouse.”

“I didn’t know that.” Lucio played with his long hair for a second, his expression darkening with every twist of the lock around his finger. “He used to call Lucifer his guiding light… For when things got rough in the dark, he said.”

Lucilius grabbed his drink again and downed it in one go. He was aware, he was so fucking aware that the name hadn’t been chosen haphazardly. His brother and boyfriend may not have much interest in name meanings, but that was the kind of things Lucifer loved, and he shared that love with Sandalphon.

“I know another way things can get rough in the dark.”

“Fuck Belial, do you ever stop ?” But Lucio was laughing. “I think it’ll do him a lot of good… I hope it will.”

“It’s a form of therapy, I guess. Something we all need, really”, a deadpanned Lucilius commented after having slapped the back of Belial’s head for his dirty joke. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. “Any news on the driver ?”

“Still in a coma.” Belial took a shot of vodka. “Son of a bitch should have learned back in driving school that you don’t take the fucking wheel while hammered and on the phone.”

He took another, and another. Lucilius was secretly worrying that the three of them were falling into alcoholism. For the past two weeks now, they had met every evening at Raduga, drinking and drinking and drinking. Ladiva had once offered them to sleep there because she didn’t trust them with getting home in their state. They hadn’t. They’d woken up in a dumpster. If Lucio’s crazed fangirls had seen him at that moment, with a rotten banana squashed against his head, they would have cried in despair. Though Lucilius hadn’t been much better. They had spent the next two hours looking for his glasses, only to find them bent and broken between two trashbags they accidentally tore open when they recovered them. That kind of thing, though far from being unfamiliar to them, was becoming a habit and the three of them were very aware that it wasn’t a good one to pick up.

“If that fucker hadn’t-”

“Enough with the what ifs, Belial”, Lucilius shouted. A few patrons turned their heads to him, and he responded to their morbid curiosity with a death glare. “We could also say, what if my stupid brother hadn’t run right to the middle of traffic. What if cars had never existed in the first place. It’s all bullshit, and we’d better start accepting that because Lucifer is fucking dead, and he’s never coming back.”

A pair of hands slammed the table, glasses clinked against each other. Lucio got up, took his coat, and left the bar.

* * *

Secret, secret, secret. Lucifer’s secret weighed so heavy on his shoulders that Lucio felt his feet digging in the tarmac. It took a colossal effort to take every step, to go through his everyday life smiling and laughing the way he was expected to. Lucio was the older brother. By a few hours only, perhaps, but older brother nevertheless. And if his little Lucifer had trusted him with a secret, he promised, quite ironically, to take it to the grave with him. And besides, what good would this secret do now ? It would only hurt everyone around him, wouldn’t it ? Sandy especially. He had had his heart torn out of his chest and broken in so many pieces already. He couldn’t do that to him again, he couldn’t. He wished he had never said yes to Lucifer’s request, but he could never refuse him anything.

_“And that concludes my lecture on French romanticism. Thank you very much for your attention, and I hope you will have the loveliest weekend.”_

_A row of applause roared through the auditorium, and Lucio let out a chuckle. From where he was standing all the way upstairs, his brother looked even tinier. The role of Professor Morningstar fit him, though, if you were willing to overlook the messy bed_ _hair. That was a family thing. Back when his hair was shorter, Lucio could never comb it either. And Lucilius was an even worse case than Lucifer._

_“Now, out you go”, Lucifer chuckled. “I have places to be.”_

_“Oh sir, where are you going ?” a more daring young man asked. “If it’s a party, can we come ?”_

_“I make it a point not to drink with my students.”_

_“No way. Professor Morningstar drinks ?”_

_“He does !” Lucio exclaimed as loud as he could from his standpoint. He could feel Lucifer frowning from all the way down, and suppressed a laugh. “Hello, dear students of my beloved brother.”_

_“Holy shit that’s Sahar”, someone screamed._

_“Oh fuck, I dreamt that I met this guy last night.”_

_“I get that a lot”, he winked in response. “But sorry, I’m taken, and I’m faithful.”_

_“Everyone”, Lucifer sighed. “Meet my twin brother, Lucio Morningstar. You may know him better as the model and actor Sahar.”_

_Ensued a commotion, which Lucio now realised was why Lucifer had asked him to wait at a café across the university rather than inside the auditorium. And of course, Lucio hadn’t listened, and now they were facing twenty overenthusiastic students, a majority of which were asking him to sign their notebooks or, in a very forthcoming case, their bras. He declined that offer, thinking that his manager_ _would end his life for that. He could see Lucifer pressing his lips together as hard as he could to prevent himself from giggling, and it was only when every last one of his students left that he allowed himself to explode in laughter._

_“That was not funny.”_

_“I never thought_ _she_ _would actually ask you to sign her underwear.”_

_“That is not funny, Luci.”_

_“You’re right. That is hilarious. I can’t wait to tell_ _Cilius_ _.”_

_“Who’s this sassy lost child and what has he done with my baby brother ? Also, please don’t._ _He would never let me live it down._ _”_

_They chattered away a couple minutes more as Lucifer stuffed his laptop in his bag, followed by several books and a stack of assignments he needed to grade. After having made sure the projector was turned off and_ _taken care of_ _other professoral concerns, Lucifer invited his brother to follow him back to the entrance._ He is adorable _, Lucio noted with his signature fondness for his brother. With his shirt tucked in and his shoulder bag slung across his chest, he reminded him of a cute little Victorian newsboy._

_“So, what did you want to see me for ? If you had anything to ask me, you could have just sent a text or called, so I’m thinking you want a little more than a simple talk.”_

_“Right. Where to begin… Well, Lucio, could I ask for your assistance ?”_

_“Where’s the body, Luci.”_

_“Nowhere, there’s no body ! Come on, please don’t joke around, it’s… It’s very important to me.”_

_One look at Lucifer’s determined expression was enough for Lucio to confirm that whatever he was going to ask of him next, he would agree to it. He would help him and even more than that if it meant so much to his beloved brother. There weren’t many things Lucio ever refused his siblings anyway; the three of them had always, always been together, and they stayed together no matter what._

_“Lucio… What do you know about engagement rings ?”_

He was home now.

The little velvet box still waited for its owner on his nightstand.

* * *

Time passed too damn fast.

“Three weeks”, Sandalphon muttered under his breath as he wiped a table clean. “Three weeks…”

“What’re ya babbling about, Sandy ?” Rackam called from behind the counter. “I see you wipin’, I see your lips moving, but I can’t hear anything you’re saying.”

“Don’t tease him, Rackam.”

“Don’t you have a job to get back to, Noa ?”

“Do you, Rackam ?”

The two friends laughed together at their own antics, but their smiles soon slipped away when Sandalphon put his towel down and slumped in a chair. Thankfully, the only customers left were Noa, and Lyria’s older sister Katalina. She was accompanied by Lyria’s good friend, and also Rosetta’s foster daughter, Io. At this point, Sandalphon didn’t even consider them clients anymore: as far as he was concerned, and that meant as concerned as could possibly be, they could come in whenever they wanted. And also, he enjoyed their company, which he would never admit out loud.

“Hey, boss. You should go back home and get some rest, ‘kay ? You push yourself too hard for a young man like you.”

“You talk like you’re a thousand years old, Rackam”, he snorted.

“He is right, though. You deserve to get some rest.”

“Thank you, but no thank you. I’m the manager here, I can’t just afford to kick back.”

Noa frowned, and Sandalphon could swear they could kill with their eyes if they wanted to. Although they were a very discreet person, he had come to know them as someone profoundly fierce when needed. Fierce, and caring. They had been a little aloof when they had first met; Sandalphon was simply not the most sociable person around back then, and Noa used their natural kindness as a wall between them and others. But in that, they were very similar to Lucifer, which made it easier for them to become friends.

“Go home, Sandalphon.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not ?” Rackam intervened. “We can handle the clients, if we can get Rosetta to move.”

“I heard that”, the latter shouted from her end of the room, her arms wrapped around Io.

“I’m not going home, that’s all.”

“Sandalphon”, Noa began.

“What.”

“When are you going to move on ?”

The question was like a slap in the face. Rackam muttered an “oh shit” that was more than unwelcome, before getting a little too busy checking out the coffee machine. Meanwhile, the ladies kept chatting and laughing; they either hadn’t heard Noa, or they had decided not to meddle.

“That… You have no right…”

“I do, because you are my friend and I care about you. I am not telling you to do so right now”, they clarified, “but - and forgive me for my words - it seems to me like you do not want to move on.”

“I… What would you know ? I don’t… How can I… It’s only been three weeks. And don’t give me that ‘it’s what he would have wanted’ crap, I’ve heard it enough times already. I don’t… I don’t want, nor need a friend who just repeats that to me like some sort of broken record.”

“I am not going to tell you that.”

“Then what’s your point ? Get to it, damnit !”

“You’re drowning yourself in work to try and get back to a routine. And so far, it has proven to be enough. You’ve started coming on a daily basis, staying longer, talking to customers more easily.”

“I said, get to your point.”

“I think that Lucio leaving Pharos in your care helped a lot”, they pointed out. “By learning how to take care of another living being, you’re learning how to take care of yourself again.”

Sandalphon had nothing to answer to that. They were right. Pharos woke him up every morning with head bumps, soft purrs and fluffy paws in his face. When he tried to get back to his poetry, which turns out he was starting to like quite a bit, he sat on the table and stared at the paper as though he was reading it. And, Sandalphon had noticed, it had become easier to talk. Little by little, he started answering his friends’ calls, stopped ignoring their texts. Opened all the groupchats he had muted for the past three weeks. Olivia had nearly cried when he had agreed to a video call, and then she had cried for real when she had seen Pharos and had already decided she loved him.

Yet Sandalphon didn’t allow himself to appreciate any of those things.

“But I don’t like it”, he muttered. “That’s what you’re trying to tell me.”

“I’m glad you understood me so fast, Sandalphon.”

“Just so we’re sure… You…”

“You’re recovering… And you probably have a lot you need to talk about. In my humble opinion, that recovery is very close, very… Very close. But you act like you cannot afford to be happy. I am not asking you to tell me why, Sandalphon. But please, please understand. You deserve every bit of happiness that will be coming from now on, and you already deserved the happiness you had before.”

“I didn’t”, he answered too fast, way too fast. “And I… still don’t.”

Noa’s expression didn’t change. They finished their coffee, put a strand of hair back behind their ear, and went to sit next to Sandalphon.

“Lyria ?” they called.

“Hey, what are you playing at. Don’t drag her into this.”

“Sandalphon needs a hug, I believe.”

“What ?! No. I don’t. Hey. Noa. What are you doing. No, sit back in this chair, no -” he tried to escape, but the petite architect had a surprisingly firm grip, and forced him to sit back down on his chair. “I don’t need a hug, I…”

“So… Do I hug Sandalphon ?” Lyria asked, her head cocked to the side.

“I propose we all hug Sandalphon”, Rosetta winked. “Not too often you have an opportunity to get all close and personal with your boss…”

“What is that even supposed to mean ?!”

“Noa, that includes you too, by the way.”

“Oh, Rackam. You know I’m not much of a physical person…”

“You started it, you finish it.”

“Group hug !” Io giggled. “That’s a good idea.”

“I, um, I may pass onto that one”, Katalina stammered.

One pleading look from her younger sister was all it took to change her mind it seemed - was that an older sibling thing ? He had seen Lucifer, and even Lucilius once, give a similar look to Lucio to get him to do their bidding. _Siblings_ , Sandalphon had thought, _are truly diabolical._

“I don’t…”

And then, Lyria gave _him_ the puppy eyes. Alright so, maybe Sandalphon did have a weakness for the young girl as well. Ever since she had started working at Millenia, he had developped a fondness for her, like an older brother. Which proved his point even further: siblings were diabolical.

“... Whatever.”

He hadn’t expected the blue-haired girl to throw herself into his arms with a giggle, followed by Io and Rosetta. Katalina was dragged into it by the latter, and Rackam, without any form of pity towards his friend, grabbed Noa and forced them into the hug as well - to which Noa sighed and eventually gave in. They had, after all, started this. The group ended up huddled together in the empty café, with Sandalphon suffocating under his friends’ collective weight, and crying a little because of it.

Not because he was emotional.

No.

Absolutely not.

He made a mental note to threaten to cut Rackam and Rosetta’s paychecks if they ever made any mention of this.

* * *

It was in the way Sandalphon walked in that Lucifer knew something had happened. His heels clicked on the floor with the firm intention of getting to their destination; it was nothing like how he had dragged his feet in the morning. And instead of throwing his bag around, he hung it on a stool with care.

“Hi Pharos.”

His ears perked up on his head, and he ran up to him as he had done for the past two weeks. When Sandalphon picked him up from the floor to hold him close to his chest, Lucifer immediately started purring.

“You know, Pharos. Almost a month’s passed now since he… Left. And all this time, I couldn’t… wouldn’t, allow myself to be happy.”

_Left_. Somehow, the word rang worse in his ears than ‘died’ would have. At the very least, death was inevitable, and it was certain. ‘Left’ felt like he was expected to come back, to be alive and well. He had, in a way. Not in the way he would have wished for, or had expected, but he had.

His reincarnation was nothing but cruel mockery.

“It’ll take a while… But I’ll take it. I’ll take all the time I need to finally be able to walk of my own again.”

Lucifer had always loved Sandalphon’s smiles. Be it his cocky grins, sarcastic smirks, or that precious, sweet smile so bright it hurt, he had always adored them. Yet at that precise moment, there was something he hated about it. It was a smile he had never seen on his face before. It felt like looking at a thousand birds take flight; a painful reminder he was stuck on Earth, never free to soar in the blue sky. That was a loneliness he knew all too well, he realised. It was the loneliness that painted these kinds of smiles on people’s faces. Hadn’t it, after all, painted it on his own as well, once ? Could it be the reason why he hated it so ? It could, it could. _You smile like everything hurts_ , Belial had once told him when they were children. _Smile like you mean it_ , he’d added. _There’s no point smiling if you’re just gonna make everyone feel bad._ He remembered the fight that had ensued; Lucio and Lucilius had gotten mad at him, and Lucifer had tried to stop them… And now, he thought he understood a little better what he had meant back then. He didn’t want Sandalphon to smile like happiness was a burden.

So he swore an oath, to help him move on from his own death.

* * *

_“Share it all with me.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading as always ! I really love Noa's character. I think they're very wise and perceptive, and I didn't want to pass up on an opportunity to have them interact with Sandalphon so... here it is ! I also have a very soft spot for big brother Lucio... He's trying his absolute best.


	5. Part Four: Illuminations.

Words. They run across the page, from one end to another, they twist and turn and meet; and before they do, they don’t make any sense. Words that meet that form sentences. Sandalphon had always thought Lucifer and him had been a single sentence. The two of them, they had been words without meaning lost in a world they didn’t understand. One had been, “alone”. He had been alone: a lonesome and lonely barista, trying so hard to be pragmatic, to take control over his life. The other had been, “together”. He had been together with so many people. With everyone. He had held out a hand to everybody, hoping to be together with them, only to realise he could only hold onto so many people altogether. When they had found each other, they had become “alone together”. And then life had started making sense, for the both of them. He no longer felt lonely when he was alone with him. And he no longer searched so desperately for a soul he had the power to unchain, as he was now together with the one he could save with no more than his own heart. Such were the thoughts crossing Sandalphon’s mind as he, for the first time in nearly a month, climbed the stairs up to the bedroom. Pharos had perched himself on his shoulder, his soft meows never failing to remind him of what it was like to love.

“God, it’s a mess.”

And it was. He had left it in the exact state he had put it in after he had returned from the hospital. The cupboard holding Lucifer’s clothes was wide open, shirts and jackets slipping off their hangers as though the ghost of the one who’d once worn them tried to graze the floor with his fingertips. He collected them all, folding them as carefully as he could. Next were the drawers of his nightstand, that Sandalphon had so brutally pulled open they had flown out and broken. He then had looked through them, hoping he would perhaps find a clue as to what, why, how he could stop feeling so “alone” again. How he could find his “together”, how he could be “alone together” when it was all just him… Him alone.

“He wouldn’t even yell at me if he saw that. See, Pharos, Lu… He was the type to sit on the bed and ask me why I’d do that, with no anger whatsoever.”

The kitten jumped from his shoulder to go climb on top of a commode instead. He had chosen to curl up next to shattered frames that housed pictures of them. There were of course the ones from Gabriel and Michael’s wedding. There was their vacation in a small, nameless cottage that had no real address. It had sat on top of little hill caping the ocean, and at night, they would bring out blankets outside and stare at the starry skies. There were some older photographs too: Lucifer’s prom, and Sandalphon’s. Of course, they had brought each other as their dates, and it didn’t matter that they didn’t go to the same school. They wouldn’t have dreamt of going at all if it hadn’t been with the other.

It was odd, Sandalphon thought, that these memories no longer brought him pain. He was not chasing after dreams this time; he was chosing to remember a reality that had once come to pass, and held it close to his broken heart. He didn’t expect it to fix anything, or to fill the void left behind by the one Sandalphon could, without hesitation, call his other half - but wouldn’t it be cruel to reject it after all this time ? He had acted so unfair towards his past, his past happiness, his past self… Towards Lucifer.

 _You disgusting fake_ , someone with his own voice mocked somewhere in the back of his mind. _Like remembering the good things will erase the bad ? It’s all nonsense._

_His voice that shouted his name. His voice that begged him to come back. He had been about to turn around to answer him, when someone had shoved him out of the way, and then-_

Someone screamed.

* * *

He hadn’t screamed back then. Lucifer remembered that.

* * *

The heart beated fast, the breath hitched. The thoughts welled up behind his eyes and turned to tears. They rolled down his cheeks, leaving scorching trails of unspoken words behind them. Would he ever forgive him ? Forgive him, or punish him. In his first days of mourning, and many others after that, Sandalphon had thought any of those would do as long as Lucifer walked through that door once again. He had wished for him to appear before him and shout at him, reproach him with everything, tell him he could never forgive him. At least, he would have been there. Anything was better than silence. But with death always came silence, and Sandalphon would never have an chance to apologise, nor would he ever get his answer. He had to come to terms with that. _But_ , a soft voice said, _isn’t that arrogant of you to think he’d ever blame you for that ?_

* * *

_My choices are my own. And every time, I will choose to help others. I will choose to reach out a hand in friendship. I will choose to make the world a little better every day I spend living in it. That is my own selfish choice._

* * *

This time, he remembered. He knew at last what had happened three weeks ago. He knew how he had died, but that was of very little consequence to him. What was truly important was, he now remembered how that day had gone.

* * *

_There is a day Sandalphon can never forgive himself for._

When he came home, the first thing he saw was the back of Lucifer’s head. As per usual he was seated in their couch, enjoying a good book most likely. He expected him to be so absorbed in his volume that he hadn’t heard him come in at all - he would never put it past his beloved to be a little too passionate; not that he complained about that, mind you. So he put his shoes aside as silently as he could, his soft socks not making a single noise as he moved towards the couch. His hands went to cover his boyfriend’s eyes with a giggle, and he kissed the nape of his neck, murmuring a playful “guess who’s home” against his skin. It took him a few seconds to realise his palms were soaked with tears.

“Lucifer ? Are you crying ?”

No answer. He circled the living room to go face him, his hands instinctively wrapping around his own although they were so much smaller. And sure enough, Lucifer’s cheeks were stained with tears, his eyes red and his nose running a little… A lot, actually. So he took tissues, wiped his face, kissed his tears away. He asked him if he could hold him, did so when he nodded. He buried his nose in his white hair, muttered words of comfort and words of love. And when he stopped crying at last, he made them both that coffee blend he liked, grabbed blankets from their bedroom, and wrapped him in them. He laughed, accusing him of spoiling him.

“As if. Now, tell me what’s wrong ?”

“Not much.”

“Don’t you dare lie to my face. I have a cup full of boiling coffee in hand and I’m not afraid to use it.”

“I promise you, Sandalphon. There isn’t much to be said or done about it. It’s… My usual thing.”

“His usual thing”, as Lucifer called it, was the one part of him that Sandalphon wanted to change so desperately. He had hated thinking so once. After some time had passed, he had told Lucifer about it all, to which he had smiled as always and answered that he, too, wanted it to change. His uncanny gift that allowed him to perceive the true beauty of the world, and the burdening ability that came with to see every harmful thing trampling it. “If people are words”, he had once told him, “then I think the world is poetry”. What he had omitted to tell him was how he sometimes saw that poetry defiled, the words twisted beyond their original meanings.

And it killed him.

“And just because it’s your ‘usual thing’, you won’t talk about it.”

“I just don’t see a point in doing so, my love.”

“You call me your love, but when time comes for you to rely on me, you never do. You need to share what burdens you so, Lucifer. Share it all with me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why ?”

“Because, Sandalphon. You said it yourself; it is a burden and I do not want to place it onto your shoulders.”

He had leaned in to kiss him, but Sandalphon had jerked away. The coffee mug was wisely put away on the coffee table. Perhaps sensing an argument, Lucifer did the same. His tried taking Sandalphon’s hand again, only for him to refuse him, sending him instead an accusatory glance.

“Will you forgive me ?” Lucifer asked as though he had read in his beloved’s mind.

“I just don’t understand why you… All the time. It’s like this every time. I just want you to, for once in your life, put yourself before others.”

“Even before you ?”

“Especially before me, Lucifer. If you need help, I need to be there for you. Yet your choices are always someone else’s in the end… It’s like you never ask yourself, what do you want ?”

Lucifer wasn’t one to get angry easily. He was one of those people who tried their best to come to an understanding with the other person, who stayed calm no matter what even when Sandalphon felt his own anger rising in his chest. But in that singular moment, Lucifer’s blue eyes became cold with reproach, stealing his breath away like a winter’s icy gale. He tried not to think about how he maybe liked that.

“Sandalphon. My choices are my own. And every time, I will choose to help others. I will choose to reach out a hand in friendship. I will choose to make the world a little better every day I spend living in it. That is my own selfish choice.”

“I know you will always make that choice. Let me make it with you. Don’t walk this road alone and instead let me help, Lucifer. Let me help.”

“No one can help.”

He had smiled and then, Sandalphon knew. He was gone. Lucifer had wandered too far down a path he had never invited Sandalphon to walk with him. And no matter how fast he ran, no matter how many times he called out his name in despair, Sandalphon realised that Lucifer could never turn back.

Lucifer refused for them to take this road alone together.

And he had left him behind.

* * *

_There is a day Lucifer can never forgive himself for._

He shouldn’t have said those words, he knew he shouldn’t have. For someone as desperate to help, to be of use, as Sandalphon, those were perhaps the most hurtful words he could have said. The truth is, the second they had come out of his mouth, he had wanted to catch them with his weary hands and stuff them right back inside that deranged head of his. How could he say that to him ? But the time for regrets was gone now, it was gone as soon as Sandalphon’s gaze turned to anger, like a wounded predator glaring at a hunter as a last stand.

“I’m guessing I’m not nearly important enough for you to let me help then.”

“That is not what I meant.”

“That is what you said, Lucifer. What you meant - let me tell you, I don’t care. I don’t care what you meant deep down inside because that doesn’t change what I heard, that doesn’t change that you won’t let me in. What do these six years mean to you ?”

“Everything ! They mean everything to me !”

It was the first time Lucifer had ever raised his voice towards Sandalphon. He couldn’t even recall when he had last shouted at anyone. _Fight it, fight it, fight it._ He fought back the tears welling in his eyes. Fought back his heart that beated too fast, fought back the fear that threatened to suffocate him. These six years, they meant everything to him. He couldn’t risk losing them. He couldn’t risk losing Sandalphon because of the void inside of him. He couldn’t let it swallow his love whole, because if Lucifer didn’t have love, then Lucifer didn’t have anything left.

“I can’t risk losing you, Sandalphon. I…”

Fight back the tears, fight back the fears.

“It’s because I love you that I can’t ask for your help. It’s because I love you so much that I can’t let the broken shards of who I am hurt you any more than they already do.”

Wrong, wrong, wrong, all the words always come out wrong, and if people are made of words then Lucifer is made of the worst of them. If people are poetry, then Lucifer is the ugliest of them all, and he has chosen to fall in love with the most beautiful song the world could ever know.

“So please, Sandalphon. Won’t you just let me love you ? You asked me if there was one thing I wanted for myself. I… I told you, my own selfish choice is to help others. No matter what it costs me. But if you will allow me another… Please, I…”

_I want to spend my life with you._

“I’ve heard enough.”

Lucifer had grown used to words being loud enough to shatter his glass heart into pieces. He had known they would have come someday, and perhaps he didn’t mean them at all. Nevertheless, he had braced himself for his heart to break again. What he hadn’t expected, was for the words to be so silent.

It made it worse. There wasn’t a sound in the air until Sandalphon stood up from the couch, and grabbed his jacket. He thought of the ring, thought of how it waited impatient inside its velvet box, back at Lucio’s. He had left it there for safekeeping, to make sure Sandalphon wouldn’t find it on accident before Lucifer could ask him himself. And in that dead silence, he wanted to say these four simple words, that he maybe could turn into a red string and tie Sandalphon to him forever, forever… But then again, that was rather selfish, wasn’t it ? He couldn’t ask that of him. _Sometimes_ , a crying Lucio had once said after his first breakup, _love is letting people go._ So, if that was what Sandalphon needed, then Lucifer would let him go. Because there was no wish that was dearer to his heart than to love Sandalphon.

“I’m going out for a bit”, he said.

His voice was shaking as he put on his shoes, as he opened the door. He paused when he did. And Lucifer wanted to say, “I’ll be waiting”. _I’ll be waiting._ He didn’t, although he was certain Sandalphon waited, waited for these words. And then, the ear-shattering noise of the door closing. Someone inside of Lucifer cried, someone inside of him screamed at him, _don’t let him go, don’t wait._ Get back on your feet, don’t let him go, don’t say you’ll be waiting when you don’t want to. Don’t let him go.

Don’t let him go.

_What do you want, Lucifer ?_

_I want him._

Someone once said, “I’ll be waiting.” _Not this time._ He had said, “I’m going out for a bit”, and this time - whatever it meant, however much it costed him, Lucifer wanted to be selfish and run after him. And he knew, in that instant, that “I love you” wasn’t an explanation. “I love you” wasn’t a justification, “I love you” was always his excuse. “I love you” was a wall he had raised between him and Sandalphon, for fear of him getting hurt. But, Lucifer realised, silence hurt so much more than words. “Just let me love you”; those were empty, silent words.

“How selfish of me”, he couldn’t help but chuckle, wiping away hot tears from his face. “Sandalphon.”

_I’m not letting you go this time._

So he ran.

* * *

_There is a day Sandalphon will never forgive himself for._

“Don’t let me go”, he had wanted to say. “Don’t go”, he had wanted to hear him say. He wasn’t leaving. He just needed some time to clear his head, needed to go on a walk, talk to his friends maybe. He needed to go, he didn’t want to leave. Yet he passed the elevator and wanted his hand on his wrist to stop him. He chose to take the stairs and wanted his hand on his wrist to stop him. He walked through the door and wanted his lips on his mouth to stop him. He couldn’t hear his steps behind him or Lucifer’s breath hitching, too focused as he was on the blood drumming in his ears and the sounds of the city.

But then, clear as a ringing bell, he heard his voice.

“Sandalphon !”

His voice that called his name.

“Sandalphon, please wait. No, it’s… It’s fine if you don’t wait but… Please, come back. Sandalphon.”

Bystanders were staring at them both as Lucifer chased him down the street, and Sandalphon didn’t listen, because how could he ? _You wanted him to stop you_ , a voice whispered in his heart. _Your Lucifer._ Yet he didn’t stop. He didn’t understand why he didn’t stop, but he couldn’t. Maybe it was the pain that pushed him to go on - walk, walk, walk away from the pain, if only for a moment. Go to Millenia, alone, stay in an empty café and drown his sorrows in washing some dishes again, redecorating, brewing. Walk away from the words. Go to Millenia.

“Sandalphon.”

Walk away from his name. Turn around the corner.

“Sandalphon…”

Walk away from his voice. Cross the street.

“Sandalphon, wait !”

He couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to walk away from his Lucifer, could he ? But he wanted that time, wanted to be alone, turned around to tell him so - he took his breath away when he shoved him all of a sudden, and he fell a few feet behind. Rubber tires screamed in pain against the tarmac, steel collided with flesh and bone, blood splattered on the ground.

It all fell apart.

* * *

_There is a day Lucifer will never forgive himself for._

He had seen the car. He had run without thinking to save his Sandalphon.

But when the headlights stared straight into his eyes, he didn’t move.

* * *

_There is a day Sandalphon wants to be forgiven for._

The droning of panicked passersby checking on the driver. The parents taking their children away from the scene.

The white hair turning red.

“Lucifer ?”

He didn’t understand how he managed to get back on his feet. Maybe he hadn’t, and was only crawling towards him, his name like a prayer in his mouth. He didn’t feel the pain in his twisted wrist, didn’t feel the sweat and the blood on his hands, didn’t feel a thing but a name.

“Lucifer ?”

And he knew he breathed too fast, yet still fought back the people’s morbid curiosity, shoved them away from him. Fell in front of his motionless body, his hand searching for his, fingers brushing bloodied hair away from his face. Shaking, everything was shaking. He didn’t realise it was Sandalphon himself who was shaking, because if one were to tell him at this instant that the world was collapsing beneath his feet, he would have believed it. He would have rather believed this than Lucifer’s blue eyes growing dimmer by the minute, his breath shallow and silent and Sandalphon wanted so desperately for him to speak again.

“Lucifer…”

And then, for a second, a miracle, a light, a hope.

“S... a… hon.”

“Lucifer. Lucifer, Lucifer, it’s me, I’m here… It’s going t-to be alright. It… He’s… He’s alive, morons ! What are you all staring at… What are you all waiting for, call… Call a fucking ambulance ! What are you standing there for you…”

“... I…”

“Don’t speak. Don’t you dare speak.”

“I…”

“Don’t say a word.”

“Are…”

A miracle, or perhaps a curse.

“Are y… you… al… right ?”

How could he do this to him ? How could he still deny himself so, up until his - no, no, it wouldn’t be his last breath, it wouldn’t. Sandalphon would make sure of it. Lucifer would be brought to the hospital, he would be safe and sound, and then Sandalphon could fix everything. He could apologise, apologise for anything and everything if it made him smile again, he could hold him, tell him he loved him. They could go back to their life. And then someday maybe, Sandalphon would ask him to marry him. He wouldn’t lose him today, would he ? He wouldn’t. He still had words to tell him, still had places to see with him. He couldn’t leave him alone.

He waited in the hospital for three hours that felt like thousands of years. Somewhere along the line, Lucio, Lucilius and Belial had joined him. They had cleaned his hands, his face. And Lucilius was pacing, and Belial was silent, and Lucio jumped from his seat every time a medic came by.

It’s when they had their answer at last that Sandalphon knew he would be waiting forever.

* * *

He wanted to apologise, for everything. He wanted Sandalphon to smile, and he would apologise for every little thing. He wanted to share it all with him at last, and apologise. It was too late now. It would forever be too late. Maybe that was why he had had this second chance, albeit in a different form. Rather than a chance to make things right between him and his beloved, it was a chance for him to make things right for Sandalphon. One last chance to apologise for loving him, to let him move on. The guilt, the loneliness, if he couldn’t have erased them all from the world in his first life, he would chase them away from Sandalphon’s heart in this one. _Sometimes, love is letting people go._ Lucifer had shackled Sandalphon to his memory. This red string he had wanted to bind them, he had used it to hurt the one he loved above all else. _This charade has gone on for too long._ He jumped from his seat, went to comfort his Sandalphon once again. He wept, face buried in his knees. He cried for the days he’d lost, the days _he_ ’d lost. When it was clear that he wasn’t enough to make him feel better, he thought it was time for drastic measures. So he went downstairs, cursing his small height. With his teeth he grabbed a newspaper, one of those he enjoyed reading during morning coffee and that Sandalphon always made fun of him for - and this precise edition was the one he had been reading the very morning of his death. _You’re like an old man_ , Sandalphon had joked. Lucifer had laughed, a fond smile on his lips. Then Sandalphon had kissed them. That was who they were in the end, wasn’t it ? Simple, sweet love. It never was any more complicated than that. He loved him, and he loved him back. And because he still loved him, he dragged the newspaper all the way upstairs despite his stature. Made sure to open it at the right page, then pushed it towards Sandalphon, giving him a few head bumps to get him to pay attention.

“What is it, Pharos… I’m… I’m not feeling too good right now, leave me alone…”

Once he saw the newspaper however, he took it in his hands. Brushed away a few chocolate curls that fell before his beautiful eyes, and read the page. A new apartment building was in search for new residents, it said. He raised his head, looking straight into the cat’s eyes.

Lucifer knew he’d understood when Sandalphon smiled at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so very much for reading ! Sandy and Luci are fascinating characters, I can actually never shut up about them. I hope you could find a little of yourself in each of them, but I also hope you know you can reach out to the people at your side. Stacks of Poetry isn't only a story I wrote because of my love of Lucisan, it's a story that I hope can help somebody out there move on from an upsetting event, or love the world and its poetry a little more during dark times. We're all beautiful souls, and even if you sometimes feel like you aren't doing enough, please trust me when I say you are more than enough. Keep going, I believe in you !


	6. Epilogue.

“So, how is the new apartment ?”

“Pretty nice. You should come by, someday.”

“Whoa, what’s with Sandy ? Willingly inviting Belial into his home ?”

“I knew you wouldn’t resist me for long, Sandy.”

“I take it back. Leave my café.”

It was a slow day at Millenia, the likes of which were growing scarce. Sandalphon hadn’t realised how much he had missed those calm afternoons. Only a few customers were seated in the room, and Rosetta was more than enough to handle them. So Lyria had taken a quick break, choosing to spend it with Io at a clothes shop down the street. As it was Rackam’s day off, Noa was nowhere to be seen - Sandalphon thought with a chuckle that maybe they were at work, for once. Instead, it was Lucilius, Belial and Lucio who had taken seats at the counter. It was the first time Sandalphon had met up with the three of them at once since Lucifer’s death, and it was the first time he could bring himself to look at the twins in the eyes.

It no longer stung, and instead, it only reminded him of Lucifer’s kindness, Lucifer’s laugh. It reminded him of a tiny white kitten staring at him with a determination he knew all too well inside these blue irises.

“Hey, my boyfriend helped you move in. You could thank him by letting me-”

“I’ve already thanked Cilius”, Sandalphon interrupted. “Thoroughly.”

“What is that supposed to mean”, the albino groaned as he took a sip of coffee - for once, he had agreed on trying the house blend, and it turned out he quite liked it. “Don’t play his games, Sandalphon.”

“Oooh, turning the tables back on Beli”, Lucio chuckled. “Seems like our Sandy’s back in business.”

“Guess I am.”

They chattered away, with an idleness that he couldn’t help but smile at. Words were a little easier to come by, lately. He enjoyed other people’s company much more, as well. He wasn’t the only one who had gotten better. Lucio could talk about that day more openly, reminiscing Lucifer with a laugh the way his brother would have wanted it. Lucilius’s anger had pretty much disappeared, leaving instead a form of bitterness he still shared with Belial, but the two of them were working on it. When the driver who had hit Lucifer on accident awoke from his coma, they had even accepted to go visit him with Sandalphon. The man was a good fifty years old, had no family, not a single vase full of flowers on his nightstand. When they had first come in, his initial reaction had been one of shock - he had thought Lucilius and Lucio to be Lucifer’s ghosts, coming to haunt him in broad daylight. Sandalphon had reassured him, introduced them and then Belial and at last, himself.

“I don’t have any money”, the man had immediately said.

“We didn’t come for money”, Sandalphon had appeased him. “We came to see you.”

“If you’re going to unplug that machine and kill me, do it right now. I deserve it.”

“Here’s the thing, old man”, Belial had groaned. “Either you let Sandy finish, or I’ll really unplug that.”

“Beli please”, Lucio had sighed. “Well, he’s not wrong. Sir, please listen to our Sandy… He speaks for himself, but above all, speaks for our dear Lucifer.”

And when the man had seen Lucio’s look, he had agreed to sit back down and listen. Sandalphon had told him about Lucifer, about the way he perceived the world, about how he would have never wanted anyone to blame someone other than himself for his death. He’d told him about Lucifer’s theory - that people were words, and that strung together, they made poetry. He had told him about how, had he been alive, he would have taken the opportunity to befriend him. Because that was just the kind of person Lucifer has been: a guiding light in the dark, a spark of hope he wanted everyone to see. After that, the man hadn’t spoken a word. Sandalphon had left him Millenia’s card, inviting him to come by once he got cleared. With a smile, he had promised him a discount.

He didn’t know if he was out of the hospital already. It would take a while for him to learn how to move again. So, Sandalphon proposed they all went the following week.

“Why do you care so much about the man who killed Lucifer ?”

Lucilius had never been one to sugarcoat anything, but rather than pain, what Sandalphon felt was affection. He knew his friend enough by now to understand that to him, these words were just cold, rock-hard facts. It couldn’t be denied he had, albeit accidentally, killed Lucifer. But they all had stopped blaming him somewhere along the way, and Sandalphon had even begun to stop blaming himself.

“Because Lucifer would have cared, Cilius.”

The latter shrugged, readjusting his glasses on his nose. It was then that Belial’s phone rang. The two of them had to leave; they had a concert planned this very evening, and had to go to rehearsal. A band couldn’t very well perform without its lead singer and keyboard player, could it ? So they left, Belial as loud as always, Lucilius sighing and handing them tickets without a word. Lucio and Sandalphon both took them with a thankful smile, and then, it was only the two of them at the counter.

Them, and a little velvet box Lucio had just gotten out of his pocket. Sandalphon stared at it, and then at his friend.

“Nope.”

“What ?”

“I’m not marrying you.”

“Jesus Christ Sandy, no ! This isn’t from me !”

He had wanted the joke to go on a little longer, but the barista burst out laughing when he saw Lucio’s indignant face. He looked like he had just accused him of bloody murder.

“I know it isn’t”, he chuckled once he’d calmed down, little tears in the corners of his crimson eyes. His smile slowly disappeared when he pointed at the box. “Can I… ?”

“It’s yours, Sandy. He… I’m probably just rubbing salt in the wound. He asked me to help him pick one and well, didn’t want you to find out too early, you know ? Would kind of ruin the surprise.”

“I…”

He opened it. On a light blue cushion rested a silver ring, shaped like a white feather curling onto itself. On the inside he could see engraved two simple words. _My solace._

His vision became a little blurry, and a tear fell on the ring. He quickly wiped it away, then slipped it onto his finger. It fit perfectly, because of course it would.

“How did he even know my size”, he mused, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he stared at it in wonder.

“How could he not ?” Lucio laughed. “Sandy… Would you have said yes ?”

The answer was obvious.

“I’m still saying yes.”

“Sandy…”

“What ? You said it. This ring is mine. Just the way Lucifer was mine, just the way the love I still feel for him… is mine.”

“I just mean, aren’t you afraid ? If you wear this all the time, then you won’t… meet people.”

“I thank you for worrying, Lucio. But I know… I just know. I won’t love again. I will never love anyone again the way I have loved Lucifer.”

“Sandy, please. I thought you had done your mourning. That you had moved on...!”

“This isn’t me still grieving for Lucifer. This is… It’s just something I know. It’s a feeling I have that there is no one in this world… In this life, at least, that I can love that way again.”

“If it’s your choice, I respect it, but I still-”

“It’s not a choice. It’s a truth. But it doesn’t have to be a sad truth, Lucio. I’m not sad. I’m not, I’m really not. The idea of falling in love again is nothing more than that to me: an idea. Because there is not a single person I can fall in love with besides Lucifer.”

Lucio fell silent, occupying his hands and mouth with his coffee. And Sandalphon knew he worried, because that was just the kind of person Lucio was, but there was no reason to. As surely as the sky was blue, Sandalphon knew that he could love no other than his Lucifer, and it was alright. He was alright. Whether Lucio understood that or not, it didn’t matter. And maybe he sensed that, which was probably why he changed the subject.

“Did you ever find Pharos again ?”

 _Tried to change the subject_ , Sandalphon corrected himself. He smiled at his friend again, still marvelling at the ring on his finger.

“No, I didn’t. But, you know… I think he’s alright.”

“You sure of that ? I mean… We can still put up posters and stuff.”

“Even if we did, I’m not sure we would find him. I think he’s found a happier place now. Somewhere nicer… With a garden.”

“A garden ? In this city ?”

“Who knows ? I’m sure that if there is one place he would have wanted to find, it’s somewhere with a garden.”

On the morning after Sandalphon had started packing for his new apartment, Pharos had dug through Lucifer’s desk, and gotten out a small journal. He had left it on one of the boxes, and the next day, he had simply vanished. It was a little odd - no, it was crazy to think so, but Sandalphon thought it was perhaps Lucifer’s last goodbye to him. Ever since that day when the cat had brought him a newspaper to tell him he should move out to move on, he had had that feeling that Pharos was not a simple cat. That had been their little secret for the following weeks, and although Pharos never answered to the name Lucifer, there was always a glint of pride and love in the cat’s eyes that he made sure Sandalphon could see.

He was gone, now. And Sandalphon was okay. He had said his last goodbyes to this apartment, to the ghosts that still lingered there. He would miss it, he knew he would, but he was ready to take that leap of faith and start anew. And Lucifer had gone on, too. Gone where it is that all people go someday. And Sandalphon had read the journal, read Lucifer’s words and his thoughts - they were a little random, some scribbled ideas in-between two classes. Sometimes they were love letters to him, to Sandalphon. They were anecdotes about his brothers, his friends. They were stacks upon stacks of poetry that reminded Sandalphon of the poem he had fallen in love with.

He was about to ask Lucio about his own love life when the bell above the café’s door rang. The man that came in was in a wheelchair, and looked much healthier than the last time they had seen him.

“I was told I could have a discount ?”

Sandalphon’s laugh made Lucio jump from his seat, as he wasn’t used to him laughing out loud. The young man got out from behind the counter, and invited his guest in, signaling to Rosetta that he would be taking care of that particular customer.

“Welcome to Café Millenia, sir !”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading Stacks of Poetry until the end. As I've said before, it is a story that means a lot to me - and I hope it can mean something, anything to you as well. Better days will come, I promise.
> 
> On another note, here's a little bit of trivia about the chapters' names ! They are all French poetry books that I absolutely recommend, if you can find translated versions or can understand French.  
> "Les Fleurs du Mal", or "Flowers of Evil", is a collection written by Charles Baudelaire. He is a symbolist, with very evocative works that can be either extremely sad, or so beautiful that they become uplifting. It also happens to be my personal favourite, if you couldn't tell dgjhkfh  
> "Les Contemplations", which I guess could be simply translated as "Contemplations" in English, is Victor Hugo's most famous work of poetry. Hugo is also considered the precursor of romanticism in French poetry !  
> "Les Chimères", or "Illusions", was written by Gérard de Nerval. It is known as a very cryptic collection, with excessively symbolic works. A bit of a hard read, but beautiful nevertheless !  
> "Les Illuminations", which would most likely be named "Illuminations" in English, is a wonderful poetry collection written by Arthur Rimbaud. It is actually said that Rimbaud might have taken inspiration from Victor Hugo's "Les Contemplations" for his collection's title !
> 
> Thank you again for reading !! If you wanna catch me on twitter, do look up @wilde_arts <3


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